Writing Topic 17
It has resently been announced that a new restaurant may be built in yor neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.
With the help of rapid transportation, now we can see a lot of different kinds of restaurants such as Italian, Chinese, India and so on. Now, we can appreciate almost all food around the world by just going out for our neighborhood. I support it if there is a new restaurant going to be built in my neighborhood because there are some advantages that we can get. I am going to metion about the reasons below.
One of the advantages is that building a new restaurant give work place to some people. If they want to open a new restaurant, they have to get enough workers to run the restaurant. And those workers are often picked up from the people who live in the area. So that will be a good chace for those people to earn a money by working in a new restaurant.
Another advantage is that building a new restaurant can provide us a new place to hang out. Building a new restaurant will be big news to us because we like something new and make us want to go there right after its opening. We can talk about our school lives and personal lives whilst we enjoying a new styled restaurant in our neighborhood.
The other advantage is that building a new restaurant gives us a new taste that we never tasted before. Since the progress of food transportation, we can get a food alomost all around the world. And also there are a lot people comming into our country, there are alot of people who can cook traditional foods of their own countries. These facts make it possible for those foreigner to open a new restaurant serves their traditional food, and make it possible for us too, to enjoy foods from other countrie just going to a near restaurant.
I support it if there is a new restaurant going to be built in my neighborhood because there are some advantages that we can get like I mentioned above.
--------29 mins -----------------------------------
With the help of rapid transportation, now we can see a lot of different kinds of restaurants such as Italian, Chinese, India and so on. Now, we can appreciate almost all food around the world by just going out for our neighborhood. I support it if there is a new restaurant going to be built in my neighborhood because there are some advantages that we can get. I am going to metion about the reasons below.
One of the advantages is that building a new restaurant give work place to some people. If they want to open a new restaurant, they have to get enough workers to run the restaurant. And those workers are often picked up from the people who live in the area. So that will be a good chace for those people to earn a money by working in a new restaurant.
Another advantage is that building a new restaurant can provide us a new place to hang out. Building a new restaurant will be big news to us because we like something new and make us want to go there right after its opening. We can talk about our school lives and personal lives whilst we enjoying a new styled restaurant in our neighborhood.
The other advantage is that building a new restaurant gives us a new taste that we never tasted before. Since the progress of food transportation, we can get a food alomost all around the world. And also there are a lot people comming into our country, there are alot of people who can cook traditional foods of their own countries. These facts make it possible for those foreigner to open a new restaurant serves their traditional food, and make it possible for us too, to enjoy foods from other countrie just going to a near restaurant.
I support it if there is a new restaurant going to be built in my neighborhood because there are some advantages that we can get like I mentioned above.
--------29 mins -----------------------------------
posted by yoko at
1:17 AM
3 Comments:
Getting much better! You did that whole thing in just 29 minutes, great! I have a few suggestions.
Comments such as "I am going to metion about the reasons below" and "...like I mentioned above" are awkward and unnecessary. Try to think of a better way to transition.
Your closing is too short. The standard style is to have two or three sentences, and I bet the TOEFL graders will be looking for that.
A good thesis should hint at what you will talk about below. In college we are often told to integrate the first sentence of each body paragraph into the thesis. In this essay, instead of "I support it if there is a new restaurant going to be built in my neighborhood because there are some advantages that we can get," a better thesis would be, "I support the construction of a new restaurant in my neighborhood because of the economic and social benefits it provides." In this sentence, the economic benefits are the jobs and the social benefits are the hang-out and oportunity to experience new foods, all of which form your following three body paragraphs.
it is such an irony that i read this right after i took my TOEFL....
when i downloaded the list of toefl 6.0 essays, many of them had "mention below, above" expression, so i misunderstood that these are some cool written English-y expression...
i keep your and Fumiko's advices in my mind and try to get score 6 on TOEFL essay!! I'm gonna kick some toefl essay's ass!!
Can you email me some examples of the essays you downloaded? I'd like to see how they use "mentioned above/below".
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home